How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
