I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
