we're chasing vodka with high fives
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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