I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
