i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
