i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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