I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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