I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My ATM looks so different sober.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
