Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
