Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
