she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
