she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
