"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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