It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
