Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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