I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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