saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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