She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
