Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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