Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
