Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
