my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
it glows. i had to have it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
