Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
