I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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