Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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