ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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