awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can you repeat that, but with context?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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