If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
