what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize