i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
