yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
