chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
