I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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