i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Randomize
