I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
