I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
