just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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