I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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