It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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