I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
