I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
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