My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize