Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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