I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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