I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
