wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize