My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
