I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
