I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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