Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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