he wants to bone in the snuggie
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
