I like to think it a success when the cops are called
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
