i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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