Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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