after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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