Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize