i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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