The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
