My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
