All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
