I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize