Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
