So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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