apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
