this boner is exhausting
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
