Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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