our cab driver is having phone sex.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
