I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i dont even know how to be here
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
