pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
