I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
