I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
