Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
